Betty
DeGeneres was the first straight ally to serve as a spokesperson for HRC's
Coming Out Project -- a role she embraced after her daughter Ellen came out on
national TV and in the press in 1997. Betty now uses her visibility to
help moms and dads and families talk to their gay, lesbian, bi and
trans kids.
I chatted with Betty this week about
coming out and her work as an advocate for GLBT civil rights. Here's a
traanscript of what she had to say, or you can listen to the audio recording (15
minutes.)
Kenneth Hill: Everybody knows
you as Ellen's mom, but not everybody knows just how active you've been as an
advocate for gay and lesbian civil rights. You've written two books, 'Love
Ellen' and 'Just a Mom,' and you're active in PFLAG and HRC. Why do you do this
work?
Betty
DeGeneres: Oh, I have to, because -- it's so simple. I
mean, we're talking about unconditional love for our children. There are parents
that I've heard of who will practically disown children if they change
religions, or don't marry a doctor or don't become a doctor or, you know, you
name the condition, and that's not what love is. It's unconditional
love, and we don't all come out of the same cookie cutter. It's just very, very
simple.
KH:
Can you tell me the story of when Ellen came out to you? How did
she do it, and how did you react?
BD: Well, it was after she finished high
school in the little town in east Texas where we were living, and she went right
back to New Orleans, which is our home, after that. I think if I had been in
daily touch with her, I would have had some clues, but I didn't.
So when I was down on a visit -- in fact we were on the
beach in Pass Christian, Mississippi, which now it's so totally devastated (a
whole different story), but we were at my sister's house, and Ellen and I walked
on the beach and she told me she was gay.
She started crying
when she told me that, so I hugged her, and you know, just totally stunned and
thinking a hundred different things, like all of a sudden my daughter's going to
be an object of bigotry and discrimination, and she was always this
girl-next-door type, and all of these thoughts.
I was really
ignorant about what homosexuality is -- as most people are who don't have anyone
that they love who is gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender. And so I had to
learn about it. Our relationship -- there was never a question that that would
be affected. So we just went from there, and obviously I learned gradually, and
then gradually the family knew and friends knew, and so it was a
non-issue.
KH: And why
was it a non-issue, do you think? Did you have friends or family who were gay,
or was this something that was brand new to you?
BD:
No, I think it was a non-issue because, first of all, Ellen and I
always had a close, close relationship. And so for starters, we had that. Now
some parents may not have that with their sons or daughters, and then that
brings up a problem if they weren't close in the first place. But we were. She
supported me through things, and I supported her, and so there was just not a
question. So that's all I can say.
KH: So, she
was in high school at the time, you said.
BD: No, she had just finished. In fact
she was 20; she had gone back to New Orleans right after she had finished high
school.
KH: Fast-forward then
a few years to 1997, when she came out publicly, and that sort of launched a new
life for you. You really kind of jumped into the spotlight, and have been quite
an outspoken advocate since then. What have you seen in the last 10
years in terms of how coming out has changed?
BD: I think they say statistically that
young men and women, boys and girls, are coming out at an earlier age. Which is
a good thing, if they're very, very sure. Some people, they struggle alone for
years and years and then finally get the courage to tell their parents, and the
parents say, "Oh, we knew that." And that's so unfair. You know, the person goes
through years of almost trauma, and they knew that, but nobody would bring it
up.
So I think coming out earlier is a good thing. And
talking about it. It helps educate people, anyway. The fact that now there is so
much emphasis on same-sex marriage is certainly a good thing. It's a legal,
civil right. Never mind a religious ceremony -- churches don't have to marry a
same-sex couple if they don't want to -- but it's a legal right that all of our
taxpaying citizens who happen to be gay should have that right -- protection,
all the benefits and all the protections that go with it, and that's a good
thing.
And same-sex couples having children is a wonderful
thing, because there's so much thought that goes into this process, whether it's
adoption or surrogate parents or having the baby. You know, it's not just an
oops; 's not a mistake. It's lots and lots of planning. Then adoption by the
[partner].
Those things, those subjects, are always
important. And company benefits, that's more and more becoming the norm. In
fact, gay and lesbian people, their buying power is huge, just tremendous. A lot
of gay adults are in professions and earning lots and lots of money, and they
should make their voices heard more and more.
KH: I want to go back
to something you said a minute ago about people being younger and younger who
are coming out. It's certainly gotten easier for people to come out at a younger
age, and the visibility of the GLBT community has made it more welcoming for
people to come out. Is it easier today for parents to come out, do you think, as
parents of gay and lesbian kids?
BD: Oh, I certainly hope so. I mean,
PFLAG, goodness sake, they have so many members worldwide really. I know when I
was living in L.A., I was active in PFLAG,and at almost every meeting there
would be parents who had just learned that their son or daughter was gay, and
came to the meetings, and some of them were rather upset and devastated. But by
the time they talked to parents who were active in PFLAG and accepting and
loving and working hard for equal rights for our gay family members, the
transformation and the acceptance has been wonderful. And that's happening all
over the place.
And just by everybody speaking out who CAN
speak out -- you know, don't keep it a secret. Talk about it,because a lot of
people think they don't know anyone who's gay, or don't know anyone who has gay
family members or gay people that they love. The more that we just talk about it
openly -- it's not a deep, dark secret.
KH: Those three words
"talk about it" are a good segue to this year's National Coming Out
Day theme, which is "talk about it."
BD: I love
it.
KH: I like it too
because, as you know, coming out is not a onetime event, it's a process, and
it's an ongoing dialogue. I think that oftentimes people don't really talk about
it after they've come out because they think they're done, or I think a lot of
gay and lesbian people are afraid to sound preachy, to talk about their lives.
BD: I know a friend, she used to be with
HRC, and she told me she was in a checkout line and the cashier and somebody
else made some really inappropriate jokes, and she spoke up. She said, "I'm
sorry, but I'm gay and I don't appreciate that. That isn't funny." And
that's what it takes. It takes a little bit of bravery, but that's what it takes
until everybody can accept it and calm down.
KH: It seems like for
a lot of straight people, they can be afraid to "talk about it" because they
don't want to say the wrong thing, or they're a little bit embarrassed or they
don't want to embarrass the person they're friends with or who they're related
to. How should straight people not be afraid to talk about it?
BD: Well, that's a good segue, because
now HRC has come out with a straight guide to GLBT people. Oh, it's
brilliant. I just was so impressed. They thought of every eventuality
that might come up, a question that straight people may have or may be asked. I
just urge everyone to see it or get it. If it comes up, hand it to somebody, and
there it is.
KH: I have had a
chance to look at it, and it does guide you through the different steps,
different feelings that people can have when someone comes out to them. I think
it is a useful document.
BD: I think it's a brilliant idea. There
was always the resource guide to coming out for gay people that gave them
suggestions, and it still does, for how to talk to their parents, how to talk to
friends, how to bring it up. So that's there, but then there wasn't one from
this standpoint.
KH: You've talked to
hundreds of parents during the course of your activism over the last 10 years.
What are the most common questions you get from parents?
BD: I don't know, I have heard from a
lot of parents and it's so hard to pin down specific questions, but I get
comments from parents and from the sons and daughters that my being out helped
theparents. And my book helped the parents. Because I'm so out there and
accepting, and obviously I love my daughter -- how could I not? -- and it just
sort of makes it easier for them. So we need to be out there, lots of
us.
In my case, I don't even have to say anything, because
Ellen is such a public figure, but the fact that I'm there so much and every now
and then I pop up on the show, and obviously we have a great relationship that I
treasure. So, it's just a good thing.
KH: She's lucky to
have you. Do you two talk about GLBT
issues?
BD: Not too much. In a way we do, but
it's just such a fact of life. And we don't have a great deal of time to talk
anyway -- with her schedule she's so busy -- but we do
somewhat.
KH: In
every gay pride parade I've ever been to, the moms and dads and families [who]
march in the PFLAG contingent always get the hugest response from the crowd.
It's almost an emotional thing that happens. I'm curious to know, what does that
feel like as a parent who's marching, when you get that sort of response from
people?
BD: That's really
great. I've been [in] a number of PFLAG parades. I think I marched in one with
the PFLAGers in L.A. But then in another one I was going to, I was on
my way, and I had on my PFLAG T-shirt. I was on my way to where they were lined
up, and all the Dykes on Bikes were lined up on their motorcycles, and a girl
invited me to ride on the back of her motorcycle, so I did. It was great, it was
just great. So that was a lot of fun. Especially when people realized it was
me.
KH: That
must have been quite an experience for you.
BD: It was, it was really
good.
KH: Well, Betty, I
really appreciate you talking to us today. I think your message is an important
one for people to hear, especially moms and dads and straight folks who have a
gay or lesbian relative. I think your voice really helps a lot
of people come to a realization that it's just part of life now.
BD: People just have to think for
themselves. Not be brainwashed, not pay attention to people who are bigoted and
discriminate. It'sjust not right. They need to think it out for themselves, and
accept, and live and let live.
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Plenty of
local celebs were on hand, including D.C.'s new de facto mayor-elect, Adrian
Fenty (pictured, right), city councilwoman Carol Schwartz and several members of
the underground and super-press-shy Miss Adams Morgan Pageant.
