Betty DeGeneres 'Talks About It'

Betty DeGeneres was the first straight ally to serve as a spokesperson for HRC's Coming Out Project -- a role she embraced after her daughter Ellen came out on national TV and in the press in 1997. Betty now uses her visibility to help moms and dads and families talk to their gay, lesbian, bi and trans kids.

I chatted with Betty this week about coming out and her work as an advocate for GLBT civil rights. Here's a traanscript of what she had to say, or you can listen to the audio recording (15 minutes.)

Kenneth Hill: Everybody knows you as Ellen's mom, but not everybody knows just how active you've been as an advocate for gay and lesbian civil rights. You've written two books, 'Love Ellen' and 'Just a Mom,' and you're active in PFLAG and HRC. Why do you do this work?

Betty DeGeneres: Oh, I have to, because -- it's so simple. I mean, we're talking about unconditional love for our children. There are parents that I've heard of who will practically disown children if they change religions, or don't marry a doctor or don't become a doctor or, you know, you name the condition, and that's not what love is.  It's unconditional love, and we don't all come out of the same cookie cutter. It's just very, very simple.

KH: Can you tell me the story of when Ellen came out to you? How did she do it, and how did you react?

BD: Well, it was after she finished high school in the little town in east Texas where we were living, and she went right back to New Orleans, which is our home, after that. I think if I had been in daily touch with her, I would have had some clues, but I didn't. 

So when I was down on a visit -- in fact we were on the beach in Pass Christian, Mississippi, which now it's so totally devastated (a whole different story), but we were at my sister's house, and Ellen and I walked on the beach and she told me she was gay.

She started crying when she told me that, so I hugged her, and you know, just totally stunned and thinking a hundred different things, like all of a sudden my daughter's going to be an object of bigotry and discrimination, and she was always this girl-next-door type, and all of these thoughts.

I was really ignorant about what homosexuality is -- as most people are who don't have anyone that they love who is gay or lesbian or bisexual or transgender. And so I had to learn about it. Our relationship -- there was never a question that that would be affected. So we just went from there, and obviously I learned gradually, and then gradually the family knew and friends knew, and so it was a non-issue.

KH: And why was it a non-issue, do you think? Did you have friends or family who were gay, or was this something that was brand new to you?

BD: No, I think it was a non-issue because, first of all, Ellen and I always had a close, close relationship. And so for starters, we had that. Now some parents may not have that with their sons or daughters, and then that brings up a problem if they weren't close in the first place. But we were. She supported me through things, and I supported her, and so there was just not a question. So that's all I can say.

KH: So, she was in high school at the time, you said.

BD: No, she had just finished. In fact she was 20; she had gone back to New Orleans right after she had finished high school.

KH: Fast-forward then a few years to 1997, when she came out publicly, and that sort of launched a new life for you. You really kind of jumped into the spotlight, and have been quite an outspoken advocate since then.  What have you seen in the last 10 years in terms of how coming out has changed?

BD: I think they say statistically that young men and women, boys and girls, are coming out at an earlier age. Which is a good thing, if they're very, very sure. Some people, they struggle alone for years and years and then finally get the courage to tell their parents, and the parents say, "Oh, we knew that." And that's so unfair. You know, the person goes through years of almost trauma, and they knew that, but nobody would bring it up.

So I think coming out earlier is a good thing. And talking about it. It helps educate people, anyway. The fact that now there is so much emphasis on same-sex marriage is certainly a good thing. It's a legal, civil right. Never mind a religious ceremony -- churches don't have to marry a same-sex couple if they don't want to -- but it's a legal right that all of our taxpaying citizens who happen to be gay should have that right -- protection, all the benefits and all the protections that go with it, and that's a good thing.

And same-sex couples having children is a wonderful thing, because there's so much thought that goes into this process, whether it's adoption or surrogate parents or having the baby. You know, it's not just an oops; 's not a mistake. It's lots and lots of planning. Then adoption by the [partner].

Those things, those subjects, are always important. And company benefits, that's more and more becoming the norm. In fact, gay and lesbian people, their buying power is huge, just tremendous. A lot of gay adults are in professions and earning lots and lots of money, and they should make their voices heard more and more.

KH: I want to go back to something you said a minute ago about people being younger and younger who are coming out. It's certainly gotten easier for people to come out at a younger age, and the visibility of the GLBT community has made it more welcoming for people to come out. Is it easier today for parents to come out, do you think, as parents of gay and lesbian kids?

BD: Oh, I certainly hope so. I mean, PFLAG, goodness sake, they have so many members worldwide really. I know when I was living in L.A., I was active in PFLAG,and at almost every meeting there would be parents who had just learned that their son or daughter was gay, and came to the meetings, and some of them were rather upset and devastated. But by the time they talked to parents who were active in PFLAG and accepting and loving and working hard for equal rights for our gay family members, the transformation and the acceptance has been wonderful. And that's happening all over the place.

And just by everybody speaking out who CAN speak out -- you know, don't keep it a secret. Talk about it,because a lot of people think they don't know anyone who's gay, or don't know anyone who has gay family members or gay people that they love. The more that we just talk about it openly -- it's not a deep, dark secret.

KH: Those three words "talk about it" are a good segue to this year's National Coming Out Day theme, which is "talk about it." 

BD: I love it.

KH: I like it too because, as you know, coming out is not a onetime event, it's a process, and it's an ongoing dialogue. I think that oftentimes people don't really talk about it after they've come out because they think they're done, or I think a lot of gay and lesbian people are afraid to sound preachy, to talk about their lives.

BD: I know a friend, she used to be with HRC, and she told me she was in a checkout line and the cashier and somebody else made some really inappropriate jokes, and she spoke up. She said, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay and I don't appreciate that. That isn't funny."  And that's what it takes. It takes a little bit of bravery, but that's what it takes until everybody can accept it and calm down.

KH: It seems like for a lot of straight people, they can be afraid to "talk about it" because they don't want to say the wrong thing, or they're a little bit embarrassed or they don't want to embarrass the person they're friends with or who they're related to. How should straight people not be afraid to talk about it?

BD: Well, that's a good segue, because now HRC has come out with a straight guide to GLBT people. Oh, it's brilliant.  I just was so impressed. They thought of every eventuality that might come up, a question that straight people may have or may be asked. I just urge everyone to see it or get it. If it comes up, hand it to somebody, and there it is.

KH: I have had a chance to look at it, and it does guide you through the different steps, different feelings that people can have when someone comes out to them. I think it is a useful document.

BD: I think it's a brilliant idea. There was always the resource guide to coming out for gay people that gave them suggestions, and it still does, for how to talk to their parents, how to talk to friends, how to bring it up. So that's there, but then there wasn't one from this standpoint.

KH: You've talked to hundreds of parents during the course of your activism over the last 10 years. What are the most common questions you get from parents?

BD: I don't know, I have heard from a lot of parents and it's so hard to pin down specific questions, but I get comments from parents and from the sons and daughters that my being out helped theparents. And my book helped the parents. Because I'm so out there and accepting, and obviously I love my daughter -- how could I not? -- and it just sort of makes it easier for them. So we need to be out there, lots of us.

In my case, I don't even have to say anything, because Ellen is such a public figure, but the fact that I'm there so much and every now and then I pop up on the show, and obviously we have a great relationship that I treasure. So, it's just a good thing.

KH: She's lucky to have you. Do you two talk about GLBT issues?

BD: Not too much. In a way we do, but it's just such a fact of life. And we don't have a great deal of time to talk anyway -- with her schedule she's so busy -- but we do somewhat.

KH:  In every gay pride parade I've ever been to, the moms and dads and families [who] march in the PFLAG contingent always get the hugest response from the crowd. It's almost an emotional thing that happens. I'm curious to know, what does that feel like as a parent who's marching, when you get that sort of response from people?

BD: That's really great. I've been [in] a number of PFLAG parades. I think I marched in one with the PFLAGers in L.A.  But then in another one I was going to, I was on my way, and I had on my PFLAG T-shirt. I was on my way to where they were lined up, and all the Dykes on Bikes were lined up on their motorcycles, and a girl invited me to ride on the back of her motorcycle, so I did. It was great, it was just great. So that was a lot of fun. Especially when people realized it was me.

KH:  That must have been quite an experience for you.

BD: It was, it was really good.

KH: Well, Betty, I really appreciate you talking to us today. I think your message is an important one for people to hear, especially moms and dads and straight folks who have a gay or lesbian relative. I think your voice really helps a lot of people come to a realization that it's just part of life now.

BD: People just have to think for themselves. Not be brainwashed, not pay attention to people who are bigoted and discriminate. It'sjust not right. They need to think it out for themselves, and accept, and live and let live.

 

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