Translated: Ted Haggard's Letter to New Life Church

Following is the actual letter from former pastor Ted Haggard that was read to the congregation of the New Life Church yesterday. Haggard apologizes for the drug/sex scandal that brought about his dismissal as pastor. 

Sometimes what's between the lines reveals more about the story than the lines themselves. Here then in black is what he wrote; my translation of what he might really have been thinking is in red.

To my New Life Church family:

I am so sorry. I am sorry for the disappointment, the betrayal, and the hurt. I am sorry for the horrible example I have set for you.

God, was I stupid! <<bangs head against pulpit>>

I have an overwhelming, all-consuming sadness in my heart for the pain that you and I and my family have experienced over the past few days. I am so sorry for the circumstances that have caused shame and embarrassment to all of you.

Whoa. I thought you'd buy that story that the dude was just there to give me a massage.

I asked that this note be read to you this morning so I could clarify my heart's condition to you. The last four days have been so difficult for me, my family and all of you, and I have further confused the situation with some of the things I've said during interviews with reporters who would catch me coming or going from my home.

The only person I've lied to more than the press is my wife. She is gonna friggin' kill me.

But I alone am responsible for the confusion caused by my inconsistent statements. The fact is, I am guilty of sexual immorality, and I take responsibility for the entire problem.

I guess I took "hate the sin, love the sinner" a little too literally. Lost my head!

I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life.

I like penis.

For extended periods of time, I would enjoy victory and rejoice in freedom. Then, from time to time, the dirt that I thought was gone would resurface, and I would find myself thinking thoughts and experiencing desires that were contrary to everything I believe and teach.

When a man wraps his huge, muscular arms around me ... I mean, there's nothing like it! Unless I'm thinking about Jesus, then it's troublesome.

Through the years, I've sought assistance in a variety of ways, with none of them proving to be effective in me. Then, because of pride, I began deceiving those I love the most because I didn't want to hurt or disappoint them.

Crystal meth? I honestly never thought we'd be having this conversation.

The public person I was wasn't a lie; it was just incomplete. When I stopped communicating about my problems, the darkness increased and finally dominated me. As a result, I did things that were contrary to everything I believe.

Hee hee, I said "dominated me."

The accusations that have been leveled against me are not all true, but enough of them are true that I have been appropriately and lovingly removed from ministry. Our church's overseers have required me to submit to the oversight of Dr. James Dobson, Pastor Jack Hayford, and Pastor Tommy Barnett. Those men will perform a thorough analysis of my mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical life. They will guide me through a program with the goal of healing and restoration for my life, my marriage, and my family.

James, Jack, Tommy ... working me over? That is so 'Queer as Folk!' Wait... Dobson, Hayford, Barnett? Ewww.

I created thisentire situation. The things that I did opened the door for additional allegations . But I am responsible; I alone need tobe disciplined and corrected. An example must be set.

Damn that Mike Jones for seeing me on the Discovery Channel. Never hire a hooker who has cable. NEVER! (Hee hee, I said "disciplined.")

It is important that you know how much I love and appreciate my wife, Gayle. WhatI did should never reflect in a negative way on her relationship with me. She has been and continues to be incredible. The problem is not with her, my children or any of you. It was created 100 percent by me.

My wife does not have a penis. You know, now that I think about it, is gay marriage really so bad?

I have been permanently removed from the office of Senior Pastor of New Life Church. Until a new senior pastor is chosen, our Associate Senior Pastor Ross Parsley will assume all of the the responsibilities of the office. On the day he accepted this new role, he and his wife, Aimee, had a new baby boy. A new life in the midst of this circumstance - I consider the confluence of events to be prophetic. Please commit to join with Pastor Ross and the others in church leadership to make their service to you easy and without burden. They are fine leaders. You are blessed.

I'm sorry for getting all homo on you guys. I'm hoping I can get my job back. Thoughts?

I appreciate your loving and forgiving nature, and I humbly ask you to do a few things.
[Editor: His four humble requests are omitted. I don't have all day, you know.]

Gayle and I need to be gone for a while. We will never return to a leadership role at New Life Church. In our hearts, we will always be members of this body. We love you as our family. I know this situation will put you to the test. I'm sorry I've created the test, but please rise to this challenge and demonstate the incredible grace that is available to all of us.

I wonder if MCC is hiring. This seriously sucks! Could I ever go for some crank and a good rubdown right about now.

Ted Haggard