'Top Design': Don't You Piss Me Off Already!

Guest Blog Post by Stephen Lenz



Okay, let me first say that I've been waiting for this puppy for a while. I've often said that I've never understood sports until I saw 'Project Runway,' so when it comes to these types of programs, this is my event-TV. But the night got off to a bad start, even before 'Top Design,' Bravo's newest reality TV show.

'American Idol' really depressed me. It's just starting to really get me down. When the highlight of a show is a an elderly man singing for his recently deceased girlfriend, you know you're in trouble. And Paula, sweet claps-like-a-seal Paula, you know things are bad when rumors are flying that Courtney Love might replace you (which by the way is the most redick thing I've ever heard). But we're not here to talk about that. Here are my notes on T-Dez (I've already shortened the name ... I'm really that good):

Todd Oldham -- I don't get how someone can be a brilliant designer and an awkward 7-year-old boy at the same time. He kind of reminds me of the robot boy from 'Spellbound.' Or does he remind me of Carl Sagan -- one of the two. Anyway, is he Tim Gunn? Or is he Heidi Klum? I guess I should just let him be Todd and get over it.

Here are my musings about last night's show:

* Dude-with-skateboard rides his banana off the kitchen table ... That shows some real respect. I want you gone. Your ironic loud shirts really bug me. Grow up.

* That mean gay man who hates gay men and acts like he has no idea he'd be living with gay men on this little design show he's on. He said something like "rather than live with these queenies I should just go live with the women." Well, meanie, I've watched every season of 'Real World' and trust me, you don't wanna live with the girls.

* Young glasses-guy who doesn't get along with mean gay man ... Oh, the producers love you. Why? Because you are what reality TV fans call the "f-ed by hubris dude." Never ever talk about how amazing you are and then mention you've never actually painted before. You are fresh meat. And that is why, mean gay man and young glasses guy, you weren't kicked off. You are too entertaining. You are Omarosa-squared.

* Oh look, a sleep-number bed! Okay, I don't like this trend where every show is doing product placements so now nobody is even trying to make the products subliminal. Next episode they're gonna say "buy this plant food from Home Depot or the old lady dies."

* And FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS for one room?! I was waiting for the twist where they let them order everything for 50K and then say, "Now, everything's going back and you have to do the same room for $50!" and then that girl who designs for the underprivileged would scream with glee.

* And last but not least – Alexis Arquette. When Todd Oldham said that they would be designing for him –- OR HER! – I immediately knew something was up. Alexis, dear – what was wrong? I so wanted you to Joan Crawford one of the designers for using the wrong color. Instead, you graciously commented on each room and we all moved on.
 

All in all, I give this a B+ . This was the first episode, so we’ll see if I’ll be saying “See you later, decorator!” – lame, by the way. Oh, and I finally realized who now-departed contestant Lisa reminds me of. Click here.

Tags: Top Design, Todd Oldham, Reality TV, Bravo, Gay