Sewing its way through the Missed Connections
section on the Washington, D.C., Craigslist is an interesting thread which
embodies several poignant issues at play in the gay community. The setting is
local, but the themes are universal.
The brouhaha starts with
an aborted bathroom rendezvous of sorts at the Duplex
Diner, a neighborhood hangout whose clientele skews
heavily gay male. But
at the heart of the matter are some fairly insightful, even heartfelt, postings
about gay culture.
As background for the
non-locals, the Duplex Diner is a bit of a Washington institution. The place has
a loyal customer base in a convenient gayborhood location. Its basic but good
diner fare (go Tater Tots!) and strong drinks are served by friendly wait staff,
most of whom have worked there for years. In the spirit of full disclosure, I
should say that I'm "a regular" there.
Despite what some
critics on the Craigslist thread say, Eric Hirshfield, the
proprietor, has achieved restaurant success of the highest order: The diner has
a bustling atmosphere, and people have a good time. There's a mysterious and rare alchemy involved in creating a dining space that
stays popular week after week for eight years. In short,
it's the kind of place most restaurateurs would kill to have, but few do.
To my mind,
the diner is a comfortable place for people of all ages. And it's casual, so you
can go there directly from the office or from your kickball game. It doesn't
much matter what you wear.
Or does it? Here's where the
Craigslist drama kicks in: Some people have their 2xists in a bunch
over older men wearing Abercrombie. And so ensues a spate of people
spilling their guts in Craigslist's Missed Connections on a
range of issues, including:
-- Young gays hating on
old gays
-- Old gays hating on young gays (though clearly not as
much)
-- The general practice of gays judging gays
-- The
general dilemma of feeling judged
-- Amateur fashion critics, and an
attempt to identify the elusive age after which one should cease sporting
anything by Abercrombie & Fitch.
Aging is something
I think about more and more -- since it's happening to me. But then,
it's happening to us all, right? There's almost an out-of-body-ness to
seeing yourself get older. Recently, I've been referred to as "a daddy" by a
couple of people. When blogger Joe.My.God.
posted a (super sweet) comment about me on my MySpace page,
"Kenneth is the Hot Daddy Bomb Diggity," I was flattered, but taken slightly
aback. I think of myself as being attracted to daddies -- not being
one. I don't know when exactly this happened,
but all a sudden it seems as though I'm becoming my daddy.
Weird.
The truth is, if I take a good look in the mirror,
see the graying temples head of hair, and
wrinkles laugh lines, the only honest response is,
"But ya are, Blanche, ya are." This process makes me wonder when I'll start
becoming invisible to the younger gays, if I'm not already.
It also makes me wonder why age discrimination is so
entrenched in our community. Don't we gays face rejection enough from
the outside world? What exactly is so icky about older guys? As a young gay, I
never bought into that or felt that way. My unscholarly guess is that we're all
afraid of becoming that older guy, and that fear of aging, of being less
desirable because of waning youth, freaks the hell out of the Peter Pan that
seems to exist in most gay men.
To be fair, I have heard men
my age reveal their disdain for young "kids" and the places they hang out.
Again, I don't get it. All of us have things to share and learn from
each other. I want young guys to tell me I need to tune in to 'Kyle XY'. And no
young gay man ever was harmed by learning about the contributions of Bette Davis
and how she's partly responsible for him being the way he
is.
As far as fashion goes, I think people should wear what
makes them feel good. Why should young gays care if an older man is in
A&F? Twenty-something fans of Madonna (who turns 48 tomorrow, by the
way) don't seem to mind one whit that she dresses like an 18-year-old. Hell,
she's now designing and modeling for
H&M, one of the youngest "fashion houses" out
there.
So what's our big gay problem? Check out these
excerpts from the Craigslist thread -- or read the whole string
(from the bottom up) -- then tell me what you
think.
CRAIGSLIST, August
4-14:
Re: Duplex
Diner Saturday Night - m4m - 35 - m4m - m4m - 32
OK guys.
Does anyone really like the Duplex Dinner? In my opinoin, it is a bunch of guys
in their thirties acting like they are in college again; wishing they had the
bodies they have now back then. It screams tragedy. It makes me so sad.
Re: Re: Duplex Diner Saturday Night - - m4m -
24
Yes, I have to agree. It's like the college bar for washed
up older men. I think you were being *kind* when you said thirties...I was
thinking most of those A&F wannabe trolls are in their 40's if not 50's.
Oh well, I guess they need a place to go too.
Re:
Duplex Diner - m4m
There is nothing wrong with older gay men
being out at a bar with everyone else (shouldn't have to be said) but there is
always something wrong (women, men, straight, gay) with people dressing
inappropriately for their age. It comes across desparate and insecure. It
shouldn't be so hard to dress well when a gay guy over 38 (this number varies)
goes out. Leave the tight sleevless t-shirts at home and wear a tailored
collared shirt and some well-fitting pants or jeans instead. Believe me, an
older guy that knows how to dress is sexy, not an older guy who is desparate.
Give it a try, let me know what happens.
Duplex
diner people just chill - m4m - 42
There is no reason that I,
a gay manof means over 40, cannot dress in current styles. There is no reason
that I, a self assured very fit manover the age of 40, cannot wear a sleeveless
shirt that shows off my 16" biceps. The amount of work I put into them gives me
that license. The way that youboys in your 20s are treating us "old" guysis
shameful ...It isbecause my generation (and the older guys that are still around
in the next generation) had the courage to be OUT withfamily, work, and others
that the process of YOU coming out has been much easier. You should be thanking
us, not dissing us.
Re: Duplexdiner people just
chill - m4m - 42 - m4m - 23
Honey, you can wear whatever you
want, sleeveless t-shirts included - but please realize that you look like an
a**hole. I'm 23 years old, and, Jesus, even *I* realize that the window of
opportunity for wearing A&F slammed shut years ago. You say you are a
"man of means over 40" and that you have a right to "dress in current styles" -
but, really, what *is* the current style? A&F is today's snake oil
salesman. When you walk up to that hunk o' teen meat behind the register, you
aren't purchasing a sleeveless T-shirt emblazoned with an (un)ironic "My
Boyfriend Is Out of Town." You're purchasing youth in its most cynical,
synthetic form. This is why you see only 14-year-old girls and 40-year-old gay
men shopping at the Pentagon City A&F. Sure, you have every right to
shop there, but you're fulfilling a destiny imposed on you by some marketing
firm in New York.
No one is saying your closet should be
filled only with cardigans and orthopedic shoes. But consider your persona, your
individuality, and - yes - your age before you hit the stores. And if you can't
do that, then don't be insulted when my friends and I can't help but poke fun at
you.
Bitter Duplex Haters... - m4m -
27
You all sound catty, bitter, uneducated and lame. If you
dont like an establishment, don't go.
If the fact that some
older guy was there in a A&F t-shirt turns you off from a bar for good,
I'm sure people at Duplex will never miss your company. Personally I'm amazed
people still wear stuff like that, but to each their own. Why does what someone
wears inspire so much anger in you? My guess is that you suck at life :) Who
cares!
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