Brian and Kenny Hill, late 1960s
It's always enlightening to reflect on one's childhood and look for moments that should have tipped a few people off that I, little Kenny, was going to be hugely homosexual. Light-bulb moments and flashbacks of telltale signs constantly drop in on my consciousness. I have one memory to share today in the spirit of Christmas.
There are few better vehicles for outing yourself as a gay-in-the-making than the Christmas list you write up for Santa. What's on it says a lot. I asked for things like watercolor sets, musical instruments and books. If Martha Stewart Living had been around then, I would probably have hoped for the courage to add it to the list, like young Justin did this season on 'Ugly Betty.'
Perhaps more important than what was on the list, however, is what wasn't on it. I didn't ask for trucks, baseball mitts, or footballs. Nothing much typically boyish or butch. Oh, I did want -- and got -- G.I. Joe and Major Matt Mason (sigh) ... probably because I had huge crushes on them.
I was too chicken or too embarrassed to ask for the stuff I really wanted, which included an EZ-Bake Oven and a doll whose hair you could brush (I solved for that by just playing with the girl across the street). It's sad to think that even little gay 7-year-olds know what they're not supposed to want.
But Brian, my baby brother who is two years younger than me, had my number. And in all the wisdom and innocence of a 5- or 6-year-old wanted to help and so he put in a good word to Santa on my behalf. In effect, my brother outed me to Santa.
The photo below is of his actual Christmas list, a document that is now almost 40 years old. Our grandmother stashed away things like this, and it surfaced several years ago, framed, a gift to Brian from Grandma.
What Brian asked for shows him to be the typical young fella he was. His list includes: football, electronic shooting gallery, and trucks among other boyish toys. (I see he also wanted watercolors and pastels -- maybe I was having an influence on him?) But scribbled in the lower right corner were these four powerful words:
Kenny wants a doll.
Right then, everyone should have known that I was on my way to becoming a big ol' homosexual. They should also have known that my brother Brian -- who asked Santa to bring something for me I couldn't ask for for myself -- would always have my back.
PS: I also love this photo of me with Santa:
He's sort of creepy-looking if you ask me -- and obviously doesn't know how to wear a belt -- but I had a huge crush on Santa my whole life and even had dreams as a teenager (OK, it's still a fantasy) in which Santa and the grown-up me would make sexy-time on Christmas Eve. But that's a whole other flashback.
UPDATE: Readers -- if any of you have a photo that relates to this topic and want to share it, e-mail it to me with a sentence or two and I will post it here.
READER SUBMISSIONS:
From grelef: [This] is a picture of me with my brother playing with our presents on Christmas Eve (we were too greedy to wait for Christmas morning). My brother has on a complete football uniform complete with shoulder pads and helmet and has adopted a stance that says "don't mess with me m@th*r f#ck*r." I'm standing next to him with my hula hoop and my hips jutting out in four directions all at once as if to say 'eat your heartout Carmen Miranda.'"
From BriGuyF69: Loved your blog post - here's a couple of shots I posted for my blog page. The pic of me and my sister with the Santa was at the South Shore Mall on Long Island. I seem to remember my father having a fit when my mother brought the picture home. I didn't understand it at the time, but I realized now that the guy in the Santa suit looked more like Hannukah Harry. Apparently this didn't sit well with my dad. The b/w shot is a Diane Arbus, but seemed to suit my blog post. And the other pic is my dog Sunshine, who got sick from eating tinsel. Read all about it: http://blog.myspace.com/brianferrari
Editors Note: Please do read Brian Ferrari's blog post. His poem about the tinsel-eating dog is genius.
From James: [Blank.] Editor's Note: James sent me this photo without any story or commentary. I guess this is him acting out my aforementioned Santa fantasy.
10 comments:
There is a picture of me with my brother playing with our presents on Christmas Eve (we were too greedy to wait for Christmas morning). My brother has on a complete football uniform complete with shoulder pads and helmet and has adopted a stance that says "don't mess with me m@th*r f#ck*r." I'm standing next to him with my hula hoop and my hips jutting out in four directions all at once as if to say "eat your heart out Carmen Miranda."
Grelef -- that's too adorable. If you (or any readers) want to send me a photo that captures the spirit of this discussion, I'll post it here.
Someone I talked to over coffee in Fort Lauderdale today told me that his tip-off Christmas ask was a Hoover vacuum cleaner when he was like 10.
I think we all have these moments we carry around with us. I love it.
Kenneth /ed.
What a cute memory for you! Funny how even as kids, you have to keep things hidden! But, at the same time, if you are lucky, you have siblings who know who you really are and love you just the same!
Kenny, We loved this entry--we laughed out loud! Michele recalled asking for a life size poster of Brooke Shields for Chanukah when she was 13 when all the other girls were asking for Leif Garrett! She should've known then, 'cause it would've saved her alot of trouble. Merry Christmas to you and Scott
Ah, Kenny you were sooo cute.
Personally, I don't think wanting a doll, or an EZ bake oven or watercolors, or any of those things is a pre-cursor for gayness. I think we sterotype too much with this homosexuality thing.
It just means you had different interests than another little boy or maybe boys in general. I don't know, I would get my kid an EZ bake oven if he wanted one, and a doll and be totally ok with it. I don't think it indicates gayness at all. Just my opinion. What sweet pictures. There is a resemblance between you as a child and my four year old son, who just put a doll to sleep by reading her a book. LOL
Hi Kidzpastor:
You have to take this story in its historical context. In the 60s, boys didn't get EZ-Bake Ovens or dolls. Today, kids have much more license to explore masculine and feminine qualities. And while a toy doesn't neccesarily determine our sexuality, or vice versa, the toys we're drawn to can reveal quite a lot about us.
Yes,
Those were really odd toys in the 60s for a boy. LOL
I agree that sometimes the toys can say something about us, although I am of the opinion that sexuality is very fluid, so I don't think sexuality is just something we are either this or that. I also don't even think that kids and teens know what they are until they can make some sense of their own thoughts, past, hormones, and come into the knowing of who they really are.
You and your brother were so adorable.
I love old pictures.
Have a very Merry Christmas,
Nancy
Actually I wanted boy thingsfor Christmas but one Christmas my little sister got aeasy bake oven, WELL I would play sick and stay homefrom school and what great cakes I made on her easy bake oven, I even put a 100 wat bulb in it to cook faster, God how gay LOL
riverrat,
I fail to understand how your liking an EZ bake oven was gay.
I know lots of men who like to bake and cook, and eat.
Children are Not gay, sexuality is very fluid, and some children have different interests, and that does not mean they will be gay. I think anyone can be gay or straight or bi or whatever, I certainly think that's it is so easy to sterotype anyone.
Have a Merry Christmas and Happy Baking.LOL
Nancy
I meant stereotype. LOL
Merry Christmas again.
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