(And if you're
hugely homosexual, what's wrong with each and every one of
them.)
An
article came out a couple of weeks ago about the confusion setting in amongst
gays in New Jersey. For
those people taking advantage of the legalization of civil unions, the issue of
what to call the person with whom you, er, unionize has come to the fore.
What do you call your co-civil-union person? Hi, this is my
"union member"? That's so Teamsters.
Married, unionized or not, gays are still figuring out what to call their person-to-contact-in-case-of-emergency. It fascinates me.
Starting with the first serious relationship I had, I've always used the word
"husband" when referring to my man. I'm talking back in the 70s, way before the
gay marriage debate and civil unions and domestic partner registries. It's just
what felt natural, and it still does even though I'm not legally married and
don't have any particular plans to be anytime soon.
I hate
the word "partner" and very rarely use it, though my husband always says
"partner" and never once in 18 years has he referred to me as his husband. Today I
asked him why and he said, "It makes me feel like I am communicating that
I am the wife, which I am not." OK, then.
The fact
is, as gays we just do not have a good, universal term for referencing the
person with whom we share our life, and I'll prove it with this list from the
Alternative to Marriage Project. They researched the most commonly used terms for how
unmarried people introduce their "special friends."
I've
annotated their list of terms with my own commentary on the pros and cons for
each: 1. Partner
Pros: It's a safe word (think
"stop" in sadomasochism) and uber-respectable. No one will think you're one of
those radical gays who marches in the streets.
Cons: It says "we're
together" without giving any inkling that you two actually have sex. People may inquire how long you two
have been in business and how many employees you have.
2.
Boyfriend/Girlfriend
Pros: It screams youth and says you don't take
yourself too seriously.
Cons: It screams youth and says you don't take
yourself too seriously.
3. Significant Other (or
S.O.)
Pros: It's coy and tries to be complimentary (even though it
isn't).
Cons: Demeans your loved one immensely with two totally boring
words. It also makes you sound like a SciFi geek who watches too many 'X
Files' reruns.
4. The Person's Name Without a Descriptive Word
Pros: Shows you as the humanist you are, eschewing all labels. Keeps
your options open in case you want to make a pass later at the person to whom
you're introducing the unlabeled person who happens to be standing next to you
(as he/she has for 10 years, but no one really needs to know
that).
Cons: People will pity you and wonder why you can't find a
boyfriend/girlfriend.
5. Friend
Pros: Makes you seem
really, really nice.
Cons: Do you nag, belittle and berate your friends
the way you do your spouse? This word makes you look like a real ass when others witness
you treating your "friend" that way. (The baby talk doesn't help either.)
Idiot!
6. Husband/Wife
Pros: Shows you as someone
not afraid to own the word that society accepts as the only real term for people
who are truly married.
Cons: Buys into the patriarchy, reveals your
status as a top or bottom and, let's face it, if you say "husband" and you're not REALLY married in
this day and age you seem like a big fat liar.
7. Roommate or
House Mate
Pros: None, other than the house is probably in your name and your significant other is paying you rent.
Cons: Traditionally a term used by
people who are closeted. And sex with your house mate? Ewwww.
8. Lover
Pros: Gives you an air of adventure and
shows you to be the passionate romantic you really are.
Cons: Reeks of
1975 (aka "the good old days"). Some see it as noncommittal, flighty or attached
to fleeting love.
9. Spouse
Pros: It says you're
defiant, but not as needy/pushy as people who say "husband/wife."
Cons: It's the term commonly used on retraining orders.
10. Sweetie or Sweetheart
Pros: Establishes you as
someone who never forgets Valentine's Day.
Cons: Makes you sound like
a major wuss.
Of these standards, I still
like "husband." I like "boyfriend," and the occasional "lover" is fun to toss
in at a dinner party (it's even hotter to say "my homosexual lover.") But
do we need a whole new word? And if so what is it?
Talking
with the boys at my faithful Duplex Diner last
night, a couple I queried turned me on to "manpanion." One half of that couple
proudly shared that he usually introduces his special guy-friend of 10 years as
his "wife." I love both "manpanion" and "wife" (for a guy) since they're both
designed to screw with the norm.
I could get real whack and
introduce my husband with playful things like, "this is 'Hot & Hung from
Lauderdale,'" or "this is the screamer I was telling you about," but I'm not
sure those would take off in any measurable way.
So, I'll
stick with "husband" for now, but I'd love to know what term you use and/or
suggestions for the perfect way to introduce your
person-whose-morning-breath-smells-like-a-warm-banana-muffin.
9 comments:
Miss Manners was once queried about this (so to speak). It was before the Massachusetts Supreme Court legalized gay marriage so no gay "spouses" were actually bound in a civil marriage. It was her view that the proper term for each member of committed couple that intended to marry but had not yet done so was a "fiance." It's not on the list, but I always thought it had a refreshing and startling ring to it.
I prefer "better half."
This is, [Jack/Linda], my better half.
Complementary to the spousal person and emphasizing the classic "two are now one" notion of marriage/partnership.
Of course, it's not functional in all situations, but as an introduction it works nicely.
interesting... someone should write something about what kids should call their gay parents (Daddy and.... Daddy??)
I like the 'better half' idea......no matter how 'it's' explained, you'll still get a 5-second dumbfounded look, inquisitive stare, and 'pregnant' pause, plenty of time to switch to wife, spouse, etc!
Isn't it ironic for the LGBT community to want the same marriage and marriage rights as those who have the privilege but still feel that the labels that go with the institution are inadequate?
Though I never get to introduce the person, I like to speak of such people as "my lover." or "we were lovers." Not only does it seem exciting and adventurous (with me they always are) but it brings me back to the root and reason for coupling in the first place: love. The vibration in the sound of the word is the essence I wish to express when discussing the subject of lovers.
I love "partner." It means much more (to me) than just sex and love, but also fully encompasses those--it means partner in life. The most common reason I've had to define him to someone who hasn't already heard his name is because it is a work-related function; my colleagues already know that it couldn't mean "business partner"--so it's very clear.
I have always found "husband" icky between men for the same reason as your partner (and even when you say it in your blog). But I can't throw stones--when it's just a bunch of homos around me, though I still often use "partner," I will also frequently use the expression that gives others chills, "my sweetie."
Ironically, though, I had a lesbian friend who used to introduce her lover as her husband, and I loved that.
OK. I'm writing as a man who has lived with my whatsit for 36 years and who married same 4 years ago in Canada. Not that anyone's counting.
I say 'husband'. He says 'spouse'. I find 'partner' evasive and suggestive of a: cowboy movies b: law firms. We are from London where the custom was to say 'lover'. Which is the term we used to use.
I particularly use 'husband' in business settings. I'm happy to report that I have come across almost no adverse reactions and managed to get a married rate on the car insurance.
my...whatever, i guess and i had a commitment ceremony May 26 2001. So I guess, since then I have been referring to her as my wife. She however does use "partner." Everyone at my both our works knows our lifestyle so it really doesn't seem to effect anyone either way. She kind of winces when I say wife because she is kind of butch so wife may not suit her, but it feels good to say it anyway.
Of all of these Spouse I would use more, its respectful and shows that you are both serious. Lover well, its not bad, Partner, I feel is ok but people will know exactly the type of partner you are speaking of when they see the person and in the tone of voice you say in. Girlfriend is fine when you are dating and you really don't know yet where its going. The one I hate with passion is Husband,Wife, it seems and makes me feel we are still roll playing trying to fit into the Straight World, we are GAY, so if a woman says or writes for example in personal ads that she is looking for a wife, that is the biggest turn off. I am a Gay Woman but I hate the role playing, just be, you are either two women in love or two men. NY23
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